Thirty-three was supposed to be a big year, and it was, just not like I expected it to be. I am not at all where I anticipated I would be on the day I turn thirty-four.
So many mixed up things, good and bad, all together, and I can’t make sense of it in my super tired state. But:
– I do not take the privilege of another birthday lightly. I’ve buried too many friends to do so.
– So many friends wished me a happy birthday today, from here to Australia and back, from my grade school years to people I met very recently.
– Work went to hell this weekend. In a domino effect of things I couldn’t control, our staff went from nine people down to five. The few who remained ended up working hellish hours all weekend and have a hellish weekend ahead of us. I feel a little betrayed by those who left us without warning, even though I know I couldn’t fix it. I feel taken advantage of by a boss who left it to us to work like dogs while she made phone calls from home. Not that she doesn’t care, but… Holy balls, I’m tired.
– One of my best friends met me for my birthday dinner. My lovely friend has a heart that is bigger than Manhattan. We laughed and got “carb-drunk” and walked around downtown by the river and talked and he bought me a birthday cupcake. My time with him redeemed all the birthday suckiness that happened earlier in the day.
– My dog has not adjusted to the move well and has had diarrhea. TMI, I know, but I’ve been cleaning up so much ick, and it makes me lose my cherub-like demeanor. I’ve been impatient despite knowing that she is just scared and lonely. Yet she still is happy to see me. She still looks at me with her big, happy eyes like I wasn’t the mean one who made her stay in the bathroom while I went to work. Tonight, she slept with my shoe tucked under her chin.
– Today, my little brother and his wife were ordained by my former denomination. I’m equally excited and terrified for them. I don’t know how to process that.
– I have a first date tentatively scheduled for two weeks from now, which is kind of far away, but the first chance our schedules line up. I don’t know how to process that either, because so far, I like talking to him, but the unknown is scary.
– I’m waiting to hear about another interview. I think it went well, but if not, I am going to be so disappointed. I’m doubting my ability to do more… To be more…
If I had any candles on my cupcake, today would have added another one. I don’t know how I feel or what to think about all of it. Good and bad and in the middle and…