Mama Said There’d Be Days Like This
Holy balls Batman, it has been one hell of a week for my anxiety. Friday, I got to see friends who were passing through town and stopped to see me. Thank you, Jacob, Melinda, and kids, for your ministry of presence, time, and conversation. On Saturday, I celebrated the thirteenth birthday of my twin niece and nephew and got to see cousins for the first time in years. I don’t care who you are: when someone’s pants split totally wide open at a family birthday party, there is no laughter that rivals it (as long as it’s not your pants). On Sunday, I went back to my sister’s to do the annual Easter Egg hunt for the kids. They are so grown up that I want to just scream at time to slow down because it’s moving too fast… But they are still little enough that Caleb sat on my knee when there were too few chairs at the table, and Elijah was quick to share a Twizzler, and I was just overwhelmed with how sweet they still are.
Like anyone with anxiety knows, three consecutive solidly good days come once a millennium, and are certainly followed by a devastating crash. I tried very hard to keep my head above water. Some very patient and sainted friends listened when I needed it. The universe provided an abundant supply of pizza, which I have discovered is my fall back food (some women have Ben & Jerry’s; I have pizza).
I think I’m coming out of it, and because I really like lists, I’ve made one that I’m going to hold on to for a while:
1. I am who I am on purpose. I am not going to change that to make my boss happy. My brave friend, Steve, says “it shouldn’t be so hard to be who you are,” and he’s right. I’ve discovered it’s harder to try to be someone else all the time than to just be me and tell the haters to go fly a kite.
2. I am going to keep trying for better jobs because I am capable of far more than this.
3. I am going to celebrate all the people who stay with me instead of dwelling on the ones who have moved on.
4. I am going to spend more time with my dog. I miss her.
5. Emotions suck, but it’s better to have them than not.
6. Five days is too long to not go to the gym. It makes me crabby and stabby and moody, so I will get back into my habit of nearly every day.
7. Some guys are stupid. Really stupid. Really really stupid. But there are also guys who send me Empire Records quotes all evening on Rex Manning Day while I’m stuck at work. He might turn out to be stupid, too, but I’m choosing to be hopeful.
8. Hope is dangerous and nonsensical. Do it anyways.
Kudos if you are still here. I know it’s not profound or anything, but it’s honest and a kinder response than the first few I wrote.