Not Working

Everything I’m trying to lessen my anxiety isn’t working.

Going to the gym.
Better food choices.
Indulgent food choices.
Talking to my people.
Trying to stick to a routine. 

Not even vacuuming is helping (I don’t get it, but I usually find vacuuming very calming).

Nothing is helping. 

Reading.
Sleeping.
Writing. 
Praying… well, I try to pray, but honestly, I’m so tense that I’m tongue-tied even in prayer.

Nothing is helping.

Encouragement from my mom.
Validation from my therapist.
Empathy from a friend. 
Support from an uncle.

Nothing is helping.

I hate confrontation, but two things I hate even more are a lack of closure and being disrespected. This past week has seemed like a nonstop conflict marathon. People at work yelling at me and cussing me out because of decisions I made, which means I had to be Ms. Meany-Pants and discipline them. An instructor questioning a decision I made when a group project had been at a stalemate, which is ironic, given the fact that the class was largely about being willing to lead/make decisions when others lack the nerve to do so. A congregation member yelling at me for not being like the others. Kids being disrespectful during church, forcing me to spend a lot of time correcting behaviors, which again makes me Ms. Meany-Pants. A bunch of other little things that are just enough to make me feel like I am continually having to be the one no one likes. 

I don’t like having to be “mean.” Some of the confrontations I’ve had this week are so far outside my comfort zone that they have literally left me shaking. I don’t doubt that my decisions in those moments were the right ones, or second-guess how I handled them. The hard part is that there doesn’t seem to have been any break. Before my brain settled down from one conflict, another one happened. I hate confrontation, but I can’t ignore it; I know far to well that unresolved conflict only festers. So I deal with it. Moment after moment, it has seemed this week.

Which is why nothing is helping. 

There is one person who is generally capable of settling my brain better than anyone else – not that he doesn’t cause his share of frustration, too. It’s both nice and maddening that he settles me. Adding to the mess of stress in my brain this week is his absence. Knowing that it will be a while before I see him is not helping one little bit. I am not good at waiting.

But I am persistent.
I’m smart. 
I’m useful. 
I’m going to keep doing what I know I need to do to get to the other side of my stupidly anxious days. 

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About BearsGrl8

I'm a geek, a "Supernatural" fangirl, a progressive, an introverted loud-mouth, a damn fine cook, a Bears fan, a Blackhawks fan, and a fantastic aunt.

Posted on August 21, 2014, in Anxiety, On Being a Woman, Woman Preacher and tagged . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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