Yes. No. Everything. Maybe. I don’t know. Great. Lovely.
Last week, I wrote a decent post about how I was feeling just before I moved. I had hoped that tonight, I would have some sort of similar post about having arrived in a new town/church, but instead, I have started and abandoned three posts. For the first time in a long time, I feel like there’s no way to spill it all out. No way to eloquently say what’s going on in the 40-ring circus inside my head. At the same time, I feel like I’ve been asked how I’m feeling, how I like it here, what kinds of things I’m going to be doing, etc. by so many people so many times that I can’t think of a creative way to answer them anymore. So here’s the not-so-eloquent list-like blob of words that I have to offer:
- I like it here. In some ways, it already feels more like home than my last town. I miss some of the people there, but I’m not sure that I miss living there.
- I am afraid of what living in Iowa means for some of my relationships. Distance isn’t always kind to the heart.
- I don’t quite have a clear picture of what my ministry will look like here. It’s strange to have so many people to work with, and the ministry here is different than the ministry in my last town. It’s always going to be different, but I don’t know much of what to tell people when they ask. We’re figuring it out. I’ll let you know when I know.
- I have mono, and moving while you have mono COLOSSALLY SUCKS. Especially when you’re moving ALONE. My sainted, glorious mother came and worked so hard to help pack things, and I could NOT have done it without her. Even so, it is really really hard to say “I have to go sleep now,” knowing that she’s going to keep working. And despite her help, it still felt very solitary: no one else was going to be making the trek across the Mississippi with me.
- Having mono is kind of scary, because it set into my liver and if I’m not careful, there’s the (slim) possibility of rupturing my spleen. Gross! It just gets added to the list of physical realities that remind me that I’m human and not invincible, and that’s scary and dumb.
- I handle change pretty well, but I have to confess that I am in desperate need of normal and routine.
- I know I mentioned it before, but I don’t think that I can overstate how worried I am that moving changes relationships. I think about it all day long, a kind of current running under the surface, but every now and then, it surfaces, and it’s completely overwhelming.
- The people here are very friendly – except in the HyVee parking lot. As long as I’m not trying to find a parking space at the grocery store, people are surprisingly polite.
- I like that the other ministers with whom I’m working are people I’ve known for a few years already. It’s less foreign that way.
- There are a million little bits of anxiety that run through my head all the time: What if they don’t like me? What if I mess up? What if my dog barks too much and the neighbors get really mad and hate me? What if….
- There are a million things that I don’t know. I don’t know how to get around town if it’s not on the way to the office or Target. I don’t know how to get to our regional headquarters from here. I don’t know if I’m responsible for shoveling my sidewalk or if the association does that. I don’t know more than I know.
- I haven’t been to the gym since I got mono, and it makes me feel horrible. Even though I know I wasn’t healthy enough to go and I had WAY too much going on with the move, it makes me feel lazy, fat, ginormous, disgusting… basically every bit of verbal garbage I could possibly throw at myself has been hurled on account of me not going to the gym. I know it’s garbage and untrue (mostly), but nonetheless, it’s what has been bouncing around my head with all the rest of the stuff I’ve mentioned.
A lot of that seems negative, or sad, and I don’t want you to think that’s how I am feeling. I really am feeling like things are heading in a good direction. More than anything, I’m tired and stressed, and sad that the person who is most effective at lowering my stress is on the other side of the river. I am looking forward to seeing what this little town has in store, but right now, I just want to sleep.