Why I Refuse to Learn My Lesson
Almost two weeks ago, I wrote a post in which I shared my anxieties about moving/being placed in another congregation by my denomination. I was afraid to write it and afraid to post it, and afraid to share it, but I am trying to be brave. A lot of my friends were encouraging and assured me that I wasn’t the only one who felt this way. I didn’t mention where I was going until after the list of placements was made public knowledge. Anyone who knows me knows that I was going to move in this cycle of moves.
Unfortunately for me, there are some within my denomination who felt that it was inappropriate for me to say that I was moving. Rather than coming to me about it, which would be the biblical response, they took a different path.
I feel betrayed. I am left wondering whom I can trust. I’m tempted to put up walls and push people out. It feels like I’m being burned at every turn. I’m not as tough as I should maybe be – that I should have developed thicker skin, a harder heart, and greater ability to let things roll off.
At the same time, part of me thinks that the tougher thing to do is to remain vulnerable. I cannot decide at the ripe old age of 32 to shut people out entirely, even if that means that some butthead might hurt me again. People who shut people out are miserable and miserable to be around.
I told someone recently that I’m a romantic, and that doesn’t stop with my love of Pride and Prejudice. It means that despite the crap, I cannot help but hope that the good outweighs the bad, that the best in people will eventually surface, that I have to be willing to forgive… so while this could be another brick in the wall I set up around me, another reason to not trust people, I’m not going to let that happen.
I am not going to learn the don’t-trust-people lesson. Because I’m a stubborn romantic.